In a woman’s world, you don’t earn any social points for staking out an extreme position and defending it against all comers. Men might garner respect for doing so, and experience the exhilaration of battle along the way; women are more likely find themselves on the receiving end of some serious social isolation, and to find the road to this isolation stressful and frightening.

--on Neo-neocon from Bookworm Room.

Steady Eddie and I had a screaming fight last night.

I was trying to explain to him that women simply cannot be as direct as men can when they are communicating either a strong opinion or their accomplishments. And I lost my last shred of patience because he could not understand why I cannot be direct, like a man, in situations where I have to explain my value to them.

Men aren't considered "boastful" or "immodest" if they talk about what they've done, who they know.

Women, on the other hand, are told they are braggarts, or bitches.

The most common term for a woman who either talks about her accomplshments or has a strong opinion is "bitch." It might even be the tamest of all the things she could be called.

Men are only "bastards" when they've done something awful--when they've cheated others or when they've been cruel in some other way.

It's amazing how a woman speaking about herself or sepaking her mind, is almost the same as a man who beats up his mate.

For women, it is important to be polite, indirect, sensitive to other's feelings, modest, and perceived as going with the flow. If a woman tows the party line and dosen't rock the boat--accepts who is leading and never raises a doubt--she will be fine. If she doesn't particularly care for her place in the pecking order, and knows she is more than the group she is with, she cannot challenge the status quo. She has to either move on or move away.

She cannot assert herself with the Alpha Male of whatever group, even if he isn't all that Alpha. Challenging a man can be just as bad, in a different way, than challenging a woman. In working class groups, women are not supposed to be smarter than the men. They must play down who they are and what they are about. But that isn't necessarily a working class thing...it's more a problem with too many Beta Males and not enough Real Men.

So, Steady Eddie's question, "Why can't you just tell them you won't do it if you don't get paid?" is not that easy to answer. If I tell them, it must be diplomatic, calm, conciliatory and self-effacing. I can't do it the way a man might, with the "I'm too important for you folks," attitude that men can take. If I do that, I risk alienating people and burning bridges.

I like the simple, clean direct communication style of men. I dislike the manner in which women are not just censored by the group, but by their own kind. Lots of women might say this has to do with Patriarchal Oppression, but, from observing women in single gender atmospheres, and reading about the ways they communicate, I think it has far more to do with the way we evolved--the need to be in groups for survival--than it does with any "patriarchy."

There are stories about how the queen bee, when mature, has to leave the hive and start her own. Maybe I've simply outgrown this hive.

Note: I've also observed that when a woman has gained status, and a certain level of accpetance, she can indeed say who she is and state her opinion. The problem occurs when you are just one of many trying to assert identity. That's when the swarms begin.